What Is a Toxic Relationship?
A toxic relationship is one where negative elements have taken over the relationship dynamic. You may feel unsupported or misunderstood or find yourself constantly defending against verbal, emotional, or physical attacks. Toxic relationships are draining and leave you feeling depleted rather than nourished.
What Makes a Relationship Toxic?
Any relationship can develop toxicity over time, and it is important to be aware of the warning signs. Common signs include:
- You are regularly disrespected
- Your needs and feelings are ignored or diminished
- Your self-esteem and self-worth diminish over time
- You give more than you receive
- You bring out the worst in one another
- You have to avoid talking about ‘trigger topics’ to avoid a fight
- You bear the blame for arguments and negative events
- You feel depressed or angry after interacting with them
Abuse vs. Toxicity
It is essential to differentiate between abusive relationships and toxic relationships. The lines are sometimes blurred, but the distinction is usually based on a power dynamic. Certain behaviors like gaslighting, name-calling, and boundary-pushing can cross between the two, but the intentions of the individuals make the most significant difference.
Toxicity usually stems from a lack of control and is generally the result of one or both parties stuck in cycles of unhealthy behaviors that they may not realize or know how to fix on their own. Abuse is when one person is trying to take control of the other, with the abuser holding power over the abused party. Research shows that around 40% of men and women experience some form of emotional abuse in relationships.2
Common Signs of a Toxic Relationship
Toxic relationships are often characterized by specific behaviors and reactions that are unhealthy. Not all of these will be present in every toxic relationship, and the severity can vary as well. Be mindful of the following symptoms and see if you recognize any patterns in yourself or those around you.
Emotional Signs
Emotional signs of a toxic relationship include:
- Lack of Support:Healthy relationships should be based on mutual support and the desire to see one another succeed. Toxic relationships usually lack this dynamic, making people unnecessarily competitive or sabotaging one another’s efforts.
- Constant Stress: Stress is an inevitable part of life, but a healthy relationship should help alleviate most of life’s stressors rather than being a significant contributing factor. Thus, a strong indication of toxicity is when relationships that hurt emotional wellness more than uplift it.
- Jealousy: A little bit of jealousy can be natural; however, it is unhealthy when persistent feelings of mistrust or negativity toward the other’s success begin to overtake a relationship.
- Disrespect: Disregarding the other person’s opinions, not valuing their time, or refusing to listen are all signs of disrespect and can diminish the health of a relationship.
Behavioral Signs
Common behavioral indications of a toxic relationship include:
- Frequent Lying: Trust is the foundation of a healthy relationship; without it, uninhibited love cannot grow. Persistent lying creates mistrust and corrupts a healthy relationship.
- Toxic Communication: Healthy communication is built upon care and respect. If conversations are riddled with criticism, negative remarks, or contempt, that’s a sign of toxicity.
- Controlling Behaviors: Toxic people will often try to exert an inappropriate amount of control over others. For example, making unreasonable demands, limiting social interactions, or trying to control appearance, finances, location, or choices are all red flags that should not be taken lightly.
- Negative Financial Behaviors: Finances can create rifts in relationships. If two people don’t agree on shared expenses, toxic behaviors such as control, financial bribery, threats, gaslighting, and more can erupt.
Physical Signs
There are various physical signs that indicate a toxic relationship, such as:
- Ignoring Your Needs: When a person’s needs are not valued or considered, it is evident that their partner does not prioritize their health and wellness. This is unacceptable and is a clear indication of toxicity.
- Lack of Self-Care: Toxic relationships can cause a lack of self-care, often stemming from feelings of self-doubt or fear of retaliation from the partner (especially if they exhibit jealous behaviors). One might stop participating in their favorite hobbies, ignore their health and hygiene, or even isolate themselves from their loved ones. Neglecting self-care can be the result of being drained from the relationship or trying not to upset their partner.
Extreme Signs
The following includes extreme signs of a toxic relationship:
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Threats of Self-Harm: Any threats of self-harm in an attempt to manipulate someone else is a major red flag.
Physical Abuse: Any type of physical abuse, even if it seems minor or accidental, is toxic and can lead to a serious abusive relationship. In 2015, a national survey by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) found that 30.6% of women and 31% of men have experienced physical violence by an intimate partner. It is important to remember that physical abuse is never your fault and is not a one-time thing.
Gaslighting: Gaslighting is a form of manipulation where someone tries to make the affected party question their own reality or perception of the situation.
How Does a Toxic Relationship Affect Your Mental Health?
Toxic relationships will negatively impact your mental health. Sometimes these changes occur gradually, making them harder to identify, but the symptoms often percolate into every part of your life.
Induction of Stress, Anxiety, and Depression
Toxic relationships can cause severe amounts of stress. For example, someone may dread going to work because of their toxic boss or feel overwhelmed by stress even when outwardly everything seems normal. In fact, according to a recent survey, 76% of people reported their boss as toxic.
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It can also cause symptoms of depression, anxiety, and, in severe cases, posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD). These manifestations of a toxic relationship or experience can have a lasting impact on the psyche without proper care.
Physical Manifestations of Mental Unrest
People may notice changes in their sleep. Perhaps you develop insomnia due to worrying about family relationships, dwelling on constant fights and negativity with your partner, or stressing about the pain caused by the toxic relationship.
Depreciating Self Confidence
Toxic relationships can lead to feelings of low self-worth and a negative shift in your inner monologue as it becomes harder to think positively about yourself. Trust issues begin manifesting, which can be carried into future relationships, and a lack of confidence takes over, making you feel undeserving of a healthy relationship. Remember that you deserve a positive and healthy relationship, and the negative feelings are only temporary.
How to Fix a Toxic Relationship
Fixing a toxic relationship is possible with the proper steps. These will be detailed below.
Step One: Have a Mutual Willingness to Change
First, both parties must have a willingness and desire to change. One person cannot be the only one trying to change and work on the relationship; both individuals must be receptive to adapting to new habits, communication techniques, and behaviors.
Step Two: Self-Reflection
Second, people need to recognize their individual issues, whether it comes down to a lack of trust, respect, or support. Shifting the narrative from blaming each other to understanding one another’s backgrounds can help bring healing.
Step Three: Maintain an Open Mind
Third, it is essential to remain open to outside help. We cannot always notice our flaws or negative behaviors on our own, so people often need an outside party to bring awareness to what can be changed or improved. This can include confiding in a trusted loved one or seeking therapy (either individual, family, or couples counseling).
Step Four: Develop Healthy Communication
Fourth, both parties should work on practicing healthy communication that does not include excessive blame or judgment.
Step Five: Establish a Support System
Fifth, a good support system can be the difference between success and defeat, whether it is found among friends, support groups, coworkers, or family members.
Step Six: Connect With a Professional
Finally, often the best move is to talk to a professional. Find a therapist to connect with and work through issues as individuals and potentially as a pair, especially if it is a close relationship like a spouse or family member.
How to Leave a Toxic Relationship
If you feel you are in a toxic relationship and need to leave, here are some steps to ease the transition:
Don’t Dwell on the Past
Once you have concluded the relationship, unfollow them on social media, block their phone number, and do your best to avoid contact. Don’t allow room for “what ifs” or reconnection. Focus on the present and the positives of the future.
Open Up to Loved Ones
Toxic relationships can often isolate you from friends and family, so use this opportunity to share your experience with people you trust. A strong support system can reassure you that you made the right decision and allow you to vent.
Get Professional Help
A good therapist can help you heal from this situation and move forward. A licensed therapist can help identify how those behaviors affected you and help you learn how to avoid falling into the same patterns in the future.
Take Care of Yourself
Start participating in your self-care habits again and focus on your desires and needs. Self-care is not a luxury but a necessity.
Getting Help
Moving on from a toxic relationship is challenging, as the effects can impact your mental health, physical health, and self-esteem. Therefore, it is important to take time to recover. Focus on loving yourself first and embrace every emotion, even the negative ones.
Don’t jump into a new relationship before giving yourself time to reflect on the journey. Also, remember it is okay not to get closure. It can be difficult to feel like things are unresolved, but you are in control of your own emotions and mental state, and it is healthier to release the negativity rather than dwell on the past.
Pacific Beach Health: An Opportunity for Healing
If you feel stuck in a toxic relationship or keep falling into toxic patterns, therapy can help. Contact a relationship professional at Pacific Beach Health for help today. We focus on helping relationships rebuild peace, balance, and connection through holistic therapeutic techniques that ground and restore.
